So, where was I? Where did I leave you guys? Ah yeah.. dildo scans. All my nursing uni friends know that I would HATE talking about anything gynae (makes me cross my legs and feel a bit sick if im honest, #welldonegynaecolleauges). Funny that as I had a gynae cancer and now will have my vagina on show to at least a handful of people (4 already..). And they say to enjoy pregnancy? (joking, everything else.. minus the constipation, stretching pains, tiredness, nausea.. is enjoyable). I got the call through to say they had booked me into the scan so a week later and off I go with Chuks. Now, in all seriousness and without taking the piss at this point as this part wasn’t nice. The place you go for your scan is the early pregnancy clinic. Now unfortunately this is the place I was sent to when I first got told to go into hospital straight from the GP when I had Olga, it was the place the words cancer was first said to me as a potential and the place where they could feel in the internal examination (oh yep, great) my tumour and I could feel it externally as well. So, this clinic isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. People get shit news. People who aren’t even pregnant who may have a potential cancer go there (only gynaecology), people who have miscarried and are having scans to check if this is fact or not go there, every person who is classed as a “high risk” pregnancy go here, people go here (like me) to check for ectopic pregnancies and, last of all, people go there who may not be expecting anything bad at all only to be told their pregnancy isn’t feasible or that their baby has gone. I only have the upmost respect for the staff members who work there, especially the people in that scan room who, at least once a day will be telling bad news to someone. Previously, as someone who wasn’t a mother, miscarriages used to make me shiver. Now, as a mother (or pre-mother, whatever you call a pregnant person!?) it absolutely breaks my heart and as a person who thought I could potentially be infertile - IVF, miscarriages and pregnancy losses break me (and I do know how lucky and fortunate I am to be in this position). Of course there is GOOD news in these clinics and not everyone, in fact the majority, of high risk pregnancies will go on to have happy healthy babies (they will just be closer monitored pregnancies) but going back to the same clinic was a bit weird. Anyway.. (now the joke starts again from here, sorry - from one downer to taking the piss again) it was my turn for the scan. Now a little part of me thought, 6 weeks 3 days.. they might do an external, right? Right? (#obviouslynotyouidiot). WRONG. I walked into the room with the consultant and sonographer and saw the bed in front of me with the fucking stirrups sat there which are probably the most humiliating things ever. They’re basically some little leg holders which make your legs stretch wide open while you lay on your back staring at the ceiling (trying not to laugh and actually look like a responsible adult) while you have a bit of paper sheet covering you and a vagina full of lube which they make a point of saying “its warm” (oh thanks, the fact its warm instantly takes away the fact you’re going to shove a plastic rod up there with my boyfriend next to me). Talking about pelvic flore exercises, you will NEVER experience clenching like it again when they’re asking you to “please relax” before this is inserted. *Just to explain: the “rod” or “scanning device” they insert is probably the same size as 2 fingers. It is MUCH smaller than your average speculum used for a smear. It is tiny and really doesn’t hurt at all. They COVER it in (warm) lube for you so make it as nice as possible and also, once its inserted you’re so focused on the screen and seeing bubs that you forget you’ve got a wand in you. Anyway, it was inserted. It was NOT uncomfortable at all (must be that warm lube) and didn’t hurt at all. It was a bit weird having your legs wide open like that because you’re literally stuck in that position (brilliant) but once they’re in, you forget because you’re focused on seeing bubs. I was very anxious up until that scan, I don’t think I get “symptoms” of proper anxiety but I definitely get knackered and my minds elsewhere and I always know I’ve been anxious AFTER scans because it feels like a weights been lifted off my shoulders, I get an adrenaline rush – oh and kind of what to online shop to treat myself EVERY time (#savingforamortgagestopsthis). Anyway, back to the main point THE SCAN. BUBS. Straight away we saw that the sac had implanted in the right place (no ectopic – first major problem SORTED) but there was no “yolk” (as they call it) in the sac. The consultant said that it could either be that I was earlier on than I thought or that it isn’t a feasible pregnant. She then had a proper good luck and could JUST notice (and I noticed it to, therefore I’m basically a qualified scanner now - #thisissarcasm, these people are super clever) a little spec of white which she said might be the start of it coming in. She then said to come back next week and to book in at the desk but not to worry. She was very straight to the point (which is exactly what I like, I don’t particularly like a lot of sympathy, I just want to know what is going on and for people to be completely honest with me because sympathy and covering stuff up isn’t going to make it any better or the reality to go away) and honest which made me not worry as said as she said to me not to. So, I rebooked in for around 9 days time as I was working on the other days and off I went.. I wasn’t particularly THAT anxious about the wait, I was a little bit. I was way more relieved it wasn’t an ectopic and because I have my chart (a app which shows me all my blood tests and scan results) I could see my bloods were all normal and my tumour markers and Ca125 were all going up (all normal in pregnancy) so that put my mind at ease as well. Fast forward 9 days and off me and Chuks go again. They re-did my BMI, now – I’m not one to slag off anyone but they’re OBSESSED with bloody BMI and I’m not exactly going to go up from normal BMI to obese in 9 days am I? Oh well, it was done anyway along with my BP (which, may I add was spot on – YES GRANDAD – my granddad always had good, nice low BP so I blame him, granddad Stan J ). Then I was ready to go into the scan. Wow, what a turn around. NO STIRRUPS. YAAAS. It wasn’t the consultant this time (which the receptionist had been VERY clear about when I rebooked as if it was the worst thing ever that it wasn’t her again) but it was a senior midwife sonographer and the sonographer. I asked them about the stirrups and they said “omg we don’t need them, the consultants love using them but we just chuck them to the side” – and THIS people is the difference between my fellow doctor colleagues and us nursing/midwifery staff (lol). Anyway, they were both absolutely lovely and in went the dildo scanner again – stirrups tucked away in the corner of the room. And there was BUBS – definitely was a “yolk” in the sac, luckily they called it “baby” and not “yolk” like some call it – because it is a human, not a chicken. Me and chuks could see the little heart beat beating away and measurements were all correct. She also had a good look at my right ovary and could see very healthy follicles/eggs scattered around and a healthy ovary and all the space where they’d taken my other one out was healthy with no signs of anything. I think we were all relieved. They printed me out some scan photos (which is what you can see at the start of this blog) and off I went, to be monitored like NORMAL (finally, I wasn’t an abnormal case). I hid my scan photos as I walked back out as I didn’t want to rub it in anyones face but was super happy. Chuks went back to work and I went to tell my parents, stopped off at morrisons and brought babies first winnie the pooh baby grow! xx